Sleepless Nights
by genieforyourworld
Summary: He swears he will not believe that she is dead until he holds her body in his arms. Only then will he take his own life. — Jellal/Erza


**Disclaimer: I do not own Fairy Tail.  
>And major spoiler warning!<strong>

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><p><strong>-<br>Sleepless Nights**

Even as he sits in his prison cell, everything revolves around _her_. Just as it always has.

Just as it always will.

He doesn't feel the cold, nor does he really mind the lack of sunlight and fresh air. Partly because he doesn't deserve it, but mostly because he has never known what they feel like anyway. The cruel lack of food and water doesn't even faze him. So long as _she _keeps fighting and lives.

He's not quite sure why, but when she gets back up on her feet and takes down whoever the opponent who supposedly bests her is, he just _knows _that she is victorious. And he's not quite sure why, but he feels proud. Proud not because she is unbeatable, but rather proud that she can survive.

When he dreams that night he remembers something new: his childhood insomnia that stirred from the need and responsibility to take care of her.

One night when it is her that cannot sleep — the red raw flesh and fresh cuts on the back of her calves are most likely to blame — he takes the thin cloth that is supposed to be his blanket (because _they _don't want their _workers _freezing to death in the bitter winters and intense winds blowing in from the sea) and pulls it over the two of them. He remembers taking her hand and finding it to be warm despite her shivering. She tries to hold back the tears, and he pretends to ignore them. He puts on his best fake smile (_liar liar, that's all you will ever be_) and attempts to distract her in the way that he has seen Wally comfort Millianna – by talking about absolutely anything.

They spend the night not resting, but quietly smiling and giggling, promising and seeking warmth in each others rags, using one another as pillows against the stone floor.

Because how can such small children predict the bleak future?

"I'm going to make you a princess," he informs her. "And I'm going to build you the biggest castle you can imagine."

And she'll wear a new dress everyday and she'll have warm soft bed sheets, a bath with hot water and plates that never empty.

It will be her own personal heaven.

And Erza smiles that big sparkling grin that is his and his alone even though she has never even held a toothbrush in her short life.

He is ten years old and he decides he's going to die for that smile.

"You'll be the prince right, Jellal?" she laughs in their whispers.

He seriously thinks about it. Thinks about that smile and that laugh he believes is what Christmas bells are supposed to sound like.

He wants that sound to last forever and so replies stiffly with "I'll think I'll be your knight instead. So that I can protect you. That way I'll get to have a big horse and a cool sword. And I'll make sure none of them hurt you ever again."

That was before the dreams quickly morphed into nightmares and he crushed that smile — destroyed _everything _— with his own two hands.

...

When his eyes fiercely snap open, Jellal finds himself unable to breathe.

He uses his arms to push himself up, trying to get into a sitting position to calm his head, only to topple off his pathetic excuse of a bed and onto the floor with the rats (_where you belong_).

Something is _wrong_. Very very _wrong_. That much he knows.

But not with him, although the silent choking, shaking fingers and aching heart imply otherwise.

No, it's _her_.

Even though Erza is strong and she _won_, something else has happened. And it's worse than it was earlier because this time every fibre of his being aches with the weight of a mountain on his back. It has knocked him down.

This time there is nothing.

This time she has just vanished.

There is no one to notice, the night guards do not bother coming past his cell because they know too well by now that there are more entertaining prisoners to play with.

So once again he suffers in silence. He suffers alone.

_Just like he made her do. _

..._  
><em>

"You're fucked," one of the amphibious guards cackles as he drags Jellal from his little cell and towards his trial.

"Your little girlfriend isn't around to save you now," he continues. Jellal doesn't have the energy to even open his eyes let alone argue back. "Then again, I suppose you'll join her soon enough – in the afterlife."

_No_, he wants to say. She's not dead. She has disappeared, but she is not dead.

They have been taunting him for weeks about Tenrou Island being wiped out — by a _dragon _of all things — and his heart is almost empty, but it still beats. So he knows that the situation is not what it seems. He doesn't know how to explain it — what they have, the link that binds him to her — but Erza Scarlet is not dead.

In his mind, he swears he will not believe a word of it until he holds her body in his arms.

Only then will he bite his own tongue off.

Then they sentenced him to the death penalty.

...

The woman with the black hair and the evil smile looks down at him, flanked closely by a small girl.

_Ultear_, he recalls.

But unlike in his memories, she looks tired and worn.

"You shouldn't be here," she says. "You don't deserve this. It's all my fault, I hurt both of you so much, I'm so sorry."

He's too scared to die before he finds _her _again, therefore he leaves with them to right his wrongs (_she'd want you to do that, to use your magic for good, you can only try to make her proud_).

Because Erza gave him another chance, he'll give one to the woman who stands before him in tears.

...

Sho tries to kill him when they meet.

Milliana starts to cry and Wally tries to hold his angry friend back, but that does not stop their blazing looks of disdain and pure fury.

"You bastard! You killed Simon, you tried to kill Erza and now you're going to kill us!"

Despite requesting them to keep a distance no matter what, he can feel Ultear and Meredy stepping closer to defend him. He yells at them to not interfere. _This _is something he has to confront alone.

When the pair of hands around his neck loosen and drop to his clothes he speaks almost inaudibly, "I know it will not bring him back, but I just wanted to apologise. To him. To you." To _her_.

"Liar!" the young man screams. "You damn liar! I bet you helped to kill Erza too, you've tried enough times!"

His heart clenches, falling in on itself in that moment.

He didn't hurt her, not on purpose. He wouldn't. He took her place in fusing with Etherion, he died for her. _Why _on earth was there nobody who believed him? _(Because you almost got away with it. Because you ripped her heart right out of her chest. Because you stole her freedom. Because you tried to destroy her even as you told her you loved her)._

"For everything," he finishes brokenly, sounding like a street beggar.

That is when Sho allows the collar of Jellal's shirt to slip through his fingers as though it were made of water and drops roughly onto his knees, tears staining his cheeks.

He is not sure if they can hear him above the desperate tears mixed in with the breeze, but he still needs to say, "She's not dead."

And then he walks away.

...

Jellal makes sure to keep up with the gossip and rumours surrounding the Tenrou Island disaster. From tavern whispers over candlelight to the morning newspaper headlines, he takes in every small detail about the searches, the combined helpful efforts of Lamia Scale and Blue Pegasus, the magic council's sly "good riddance."

He doesn't know what to believe when he hears that Fairy Tail's remnants have given up. More than once when they pass close to Magnolia does he want to burst through the guild doors and tell them all to wake up _because she's not dead, she's not gone…_

However, he resists, and later takes it all back following their fall from grace, because with their empathetic looks he remembers that both of the girls lost people who meant something to them on that island too.

And he almost feels sick for not considering Erza's friends, for not remembering that Natsu was there too (_because that boy gave you another chance, tried to protect you for her sake_). The doubtful side to his mind guiltily wishes that she was together with them when _it _happened, that she was happy and smiling and not alone.

...

He somehow composes himself and meets her eye.

Her hair is still scarlet and she looks horrified.

He knows what heaven looks like, but she is still the most beautiful thing he has ever laid eyes on.

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><p><strong>extra: <strong>this was originally just going to be Jellal in prison, but then halfway through, chapter 263 happened and I have a lot of feelings when it comes to fictional characters.


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